So, if you have a book, short story, poem...etc. you would like to review, do so here.
Artwork by Sandra-Jayne Rumpel, "Lost & Forgotten", HD Pencil on Cartridge Paper, 297X210 mm, 2013
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License
I decided, in order to get the ball rolling so to speak, to post a piece I had written a few years ago in 2010.
ReplyDeleteI would very loosely refer to it as a "Scathing Review" and I think I might have found a less harsh way of expressing my opinions had I written it today.
The rest of you might get a laugh out of it, though:
I openly admit that I am not one to give into fads (most of the time).
ReplyDeleteThe only two exceptions were 'Lion King' in 1994 at the naïve age of six and then 'Pokemon' a few years later that I rapidly grew out of, although I confess to still play the game on occasion.
I approached the phenomenon of 'Twilight' with the same wariness I did 'Harry Potter' (likable despite its flaws in the final two books). It is in my nature to 'hate' what throngs of sheep love, particularly if those sheep are deluded female pre-adolescents following other sheep who have abandoned all pretenses of dignity by throwing themselves at their idol's feet (usually just a poster) to fill the hollow void that was left within them as a result of their oh so fragile self-esteem. It is for that reason that I loathed Leonardo DiCaprio when I was nine and the same reason I despise Orlando Bloom today.
I will not discuss Robert Pattinson's role in this as I did not see the movie and I think he has a stupid haircut.
Now, I finally decided to write a rant on Twilight to a) express my exasperation and b) annoy the aforementioned sheep.
Twilight sucks. Stephenie Meyer is a horrible writer and the story should never have progressed beyond book one, which would have been infinitely better had the vampires feasted on whiny character Bella and killed her in the process within the first chapter to spare the reader 300 pages of 'Why oh why did Edward not look at me today? I cannot possibly be a productive member of society without his gaze constantly affixed onto my person during science class' and 'I'm a vampire I can't be with you, but I want to, but I can't, but I really want to...etc.'
I would not refer to anything I mention here as spoilers as nothing seems to happen in the book anyway.
ReplyDeleteAfter discussing my curiosity and skepticism regarding the popular vampire book series partially turned film with a uni friend she kindly offered me her copy of the first book to see for myself what all the fuss was about.
Five pages into what I now consider a waste of a tree's life, I was overcome by the urge to somehow reach into the book and physically strangle Bella Swan to silence her pointless self-pitying lamentations of 'woe is me for moving to a place where the sun don't shine' and 'I hate Chuck who did absolutely nothing wrong but for the fact that he lives in a place where the sun don't shine that mommy didn't like'.
But I persevered and managed to read the damnable thing to the last letter...I was later asked if I was interested in reading the other books to which I declined with a vehement "Hell no!"
The book reads like bad fanfiction with a plot to match that seems vaguely inspired by elements of Anne Rice's vampire chronicles. Meyer's vocabulary range is minimal at best with little variation in tone making the read dull in addition. The concept itself is hardly original, a human and vampire falling in love? Isn't that the romantic subplot of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'?
This leads me to one of my main criticisms of the novel – the characters. Meyer made her vampires too invulnerable by stripping them of all traditional vampire lore (with exception of the blood drinking) and piling on ability after ability to the extent that the undead blood-sucker is left completely devoid of dignity, and may as well be leeches in human form. Rice modernized her vamps but left them respectable and a force to be feared, Meyer gave us glorified Emos who occasionally dine on the blood of wild beasts and sparkle in the sunlight.
The character Bella is to Twilight what Tom Cruise was to Valkyrie – The worst part. About 80% of the book is spent complaining about the weather, preparing her father's meals and pining away over Edward like a...I was going to insert a witty remark but found that there is no one and nothing on this world in past, future and present so hung up on a person as Bella is. Bella's complete and utter dependence on Edward is worse than that of a newborn and its mother, to the extent that she cannot function without him there. It does not help that the entire book is written from her point of view. Yet, despite her constantly active damsel-in-distress attitude, her apparent average looks and utter ineptitude have rendered her irresistible to the opposite sex – every man is completely smitten by her (with the exception of perhaps four individuals).
ReplyDeleteDoes being whiny, clingy, needy, desperate, incompetent...etc. translate into everything a man wants in a woman? No, it does not. I proved this by asking every male I engaged in conversation if he would be attracted to a woman with a personality like Bella's and the answer has always been no. I cannot help but wonder if Ms Meyer might have once been such an individual and perhaps based the character on herself, and the 'irresistibility' being perhaps the case of unfulfilled teenage fantasy?
Moving on...Once we do finally get to the 20% where something does happen, the so-called climax of the tale is so predictable and over so quickly it can scarcely even be called that.
My conclusion...
Twilight is just another case of undeserved glorification and attention such as the kind the media lavishes upon Paris Hilton and other trivial matters. The writing style is poor and does little to engage the reader with its ill conceived characters and substandard plot. It can be argued that its intended audience is pre-adolescent girls with an inferiority complex as bad as Bella's but then a good book is good regardless of its reader's age and Twilight is not one of them.
been laughing my tooshy off while reading.. you pretty much covered every little detail of every flaw. good job my friend, good job.
ReplyDelete